My youngest boy is one this week :O

I cannot believe that it has been a full year since I was hobbling around, waiting to go into hospital to be induced with my second baby. This year hasn't really flown by as such, it has been quite difficult emotionally after the birth, and our relationships have taken some tweaking, but here we are a year on, and things are quite happy really, if not perfect!

A full year, it seemed to go much slower with Finn, I wonder why that is?!? I have certainly wished away the sleepless nights and the time I get when I can pee all by mine self. Yet I cannot help but wonder where a full year has gone.

I haven't reached many of my targets that I set for myself, doing up the house a bit, sorting out uni... well I guess you really cannot predict what will happen in a full year. I have certainly eaten a years worth of food, but I have had no where near a full years sleep!

Well little dude, if you ever read this, for whatever reason,  I love you both. Having two babies within two years is way too tough! xxx

Something Beautiful, Brotherly love...and hate.

Alfie is fast approaching the 6 month mark. I am still getting used to him being here even though it is like he has been here forever! Finn is also still getting used to him, but I am starting to see their love for each other and their bond more and more each day. Its really lovely to see.

Finn hated Alfie at first, and having a new baby brother really upset him. He stopped talking, started waking in the night and even went off his food. Finn is absolutely massive for a 2 year old, so to go off his food, well we were really really worried about him.

Ben has only become closer to Finn as a lot more of my time has been taken up by Alfie. Ben has been doing the 'morning shift' of getting up with Finn, while I sleep until Alfie is ready to get up. This used to be afternoon and waking Alfie was like waking a teenager!!!

This just made Finn and me drift further apart, and it shattered me totally, but now Alfie is bigger and Finn has taken to him a bit more, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I am having the odd bit of special time with my biggest boy, and I cherish it. I will take anything I am given, even if it's just a poo filled nappy, I will take it with pleasure just to feel a bit closer to my biggest boy.

Finn has always allowed his guard to come down when it is just Him, Alfie and Myself. But this guard has only really been dropped slightly, and only when Finn is almost ready for a sleep. However now that Alfie is getting older, and he is such a strong character, I am noticing some bonding between them, and a bond of two brothers is something I have never really known, being female and having a large gap between My Brother and Myself. Ben is very close to his Brother, and they have a very Strong and loyal bond. Even when they decide they hate each other, the bond remains strong. It was important to us that Finn could experience that. Having someone that they could rely on and trust so much more than you can a parent or a friend. Someone to play with all of the time. Someone to look after all of the time and someone to look after you all of the time.

Today I heard Finn say "Oh No, Mine Alf Being Naughty!!!" I peeked in to see that Alfie had pulled the table cloth so that he could reach my candle centre piece that Ben's grandma bought me for Christmas this year. Finn was desperately wrestling two long white candles and a silver candle set holder from his baby brother, so that he could quickly put it back. Getting into trouble together already.

Finn was always a bit rough for tiny baby Alfie (Tiny compared to Finn, still quite big as babies go) However the last week I have noticed that Alfie can give as good as he gets. Finn has been so good not hitting him back, but Alfie has picked his moments and given his big brother some tough love.

This week Finn was picking Alfie's toys up off the floor for him, while Alfie was sat above in his high chair causing chaos. As Finn stood up Alfie got him by the hair and started to 'clap' (slap) Finn's face. Poor Finn was so upset so I had to put Alfie in the 'naughty chair' (he was already sat in the high chair) and tell him that he had been naughty, which just made him laugh but made poor Finn feel like justice had been done.

I have a feeling that this is the beginning of something really beautiful.

I love my boys. <3

A legacy as great as you!

Everyday, I dread a day where I could be parted from my little boys.

I know that this seems like a very morbid thought, but for me it isn't. I always tell them that I love them, I always kiss them good night, and I try to express my love for them so that they will always know how much they mean to me.

I don't know if this is something that all Mum's think of quite as regularly as I do, but I put that down to the fact that my Mum had her first major stroke at just 32 years old, a stroke so damaging that it left her in a coma and still to this day effects her. Ben lost his Mum at a young age and with a combination of the hereditary illnesses, its important for me to know that my Son's will have my memories too, if for whatever reason I am not there or able to ask.

I tried to write Finn a diary, for when he is older, but it has chunks missing where I have been finding things hard and haven't wrote that down for him.

I will always want to protect the boys from anything bad I feel, simply because I am very happy, so whatever else happens, does not matter, not now I have them.

I want them to know that they are a huge part of me, and as long as they live and breathe, they are representing me, so they must always think about me happily and never sadly.

Losing my Gran was an upsetting time, as deaths and funerals are always sad, seeing everyone so upset mainly. But I don't look at her death and ever feel sad, I am just happy that She was ever in my life. It doesn't ache or hurt to think about her, because I don't really feel like I have lost her. She's here with me, She's a part of me. Permanently. I do of course miss her and I wish She could have met Ben and the boys, but I really believe that she is about in spiritual ways.

I need to know that my boys will be a success without me constantly telling them off. But either way, I will always love them. They are my world.

I feel that so many times the boys have saved my life. Whenever I have felt like life is just impossible, I always knew there would come a day when everything would just make sense, and having these children has done that for me. My world is filled with love and money cannot buy that.

I am so lucky to have had the boys in the first place, and I believe that fate has taken me down this path.

I am eternally grateful for the path that I have been so lucky to be put on, and I feel that I have done everything I desperately need to, now that I have my boys in my life. I am content with life.

I love you Finn and Alfie.

<3