keep on going

Some people wish to win the lottery, and although I have done this in that past, now I have just wished to get onto a good course at uni. Not the law course at Oxford that was once disregarded through my own stupidity although I am sure that was not my destiny now, but a simple teaching course which I know that I am capable of doing well on.

I know that this is not how wishes work, but I am justifying this by making up a new rule, which is that, yes, you are not supposed to tell anybody because this voids the wish, however I am giving this the condition that 'tell' means spoken, and 'somebody' means human. Thus using the technicalities of 'tell' meaning spoken, and this being written, and 'somebody' meaning human and this being written within a blog... I've lost myself now too.

I did once wish to win the lottery in all honesty. And I did. Well kind of.

What happened was I was having an awful time and needed to get away... I needed Ben to come with me but he wasn't being convinced easily. In fact it was almost impossible. Almost.

Now when I say I was having an awful time, I'm not talking really awful like some people, but more 'Jeremy Kyle Ridiculous' awful.

I was sat on my bed with my baby boy in my arms, he was sleeping peacefully which was as rare as a square water melon. Yet dispute this moment being sacred, I was in emotional turmoil within. I was lonely, frightened and powerlessly vulnerable. I needed to escape the social prison I had been confined to.

So I wished to win the lottery.

I wished on an eyelash that had come loose and fallen out while I was wiping away my tears.

So here's the miracle... I forgot to put a ticket on.

Then the next day Ben came home from work, and said that the funniest thing had happened. Someone had left a bunch of scratch cards behind, he'd kept them but no one had come back to claim them. Each one of them was a winning ticket. I held them in my hands in disbelief.

My pitiful wish dawned on me. I turned the tickets over to see the National Lottery logo.

There was not enough winnings for me to run away, but this restored my faith in fate and destiny. I thought that one day this pain will be worthwhile.

It was.

My faith is now quite strong and I hope that it does remain throughtout my life. So I am going to apply for the courses which I know that I can do well on, and I am going to just hope that I am good enough.

To be continued eh...

My path through fate part (1)

A few years ago...actually several now!!! I turned my back on my passion.

I wanted to be a barrister since I was very small. To many this seemed far fetched and unusual when I was toddling about too shy to speak to people. It was not the justice or the law that I had passion about. It was the way things were worded. It was about the triumph of winning every argument, no matter if I was right or wrong. It was using vocabulary and confidence as a shield and a weapon of destruction.

This runs deep within my veins.

I took drama because I really needed to built my confidence. I enjoyed it but it scared me. I was totally out of my comfort zone. My first assessment approached and I was shaking with fear. I spent my entire piece in floods of tears, luckily it was a sad piece that I had written. Simple but affective. Low and behold, I got a lovely A*...just when I was about to change subject last minute due to nerves.

I loved that feeling, and so I carried on with it. I followed a teacher to a school miles away thinking She was amazing and thinking that she was the route of my only confidence. Seeing her there highlighted the negative parts of her personality that I had overlooked. I was totally deflated. I'd go as far as to say I felt totally cold about the entire course. I asked if I could do English because I wanted to be a barrister. They said no... I was doing quite a lot of subjects and working two jobs with a 3 hour round commute on my hands... but I was devastated.

I got a letter through the post telling me that I had qualified for a course, it was a summer school for people aiming to attend Oxford or Cambridge. I was lit up at the thought of walking about Oxford University.

The fee was little over £100, and I think I had it at the time. But I could not go. I was frightened to leave my Mum behind and my Dad wasn't all too well either at the time, and with a little brother to look out for, this rapidly became out of the question.

My love for my family plagued me when it came to a career in law.

I dropped out of college, took a job in my local chippy (where I read a lot and ate a lot of junk food) which I really liked. I couldn't keep up with my phone bill and board money so my Mum's friend said that there was a job where she worked.

I hated it. It was an office job. I spoke briefly to everyone who rang, passing them onto the relevant person. The highlights of my day were opening masses of post, and sometimes doing the bank run. I got my own desk and a lockable top draw. This is where I kept my toffee crisp collection. It was filled up each morning and was empty by the time my shift had finished. I put on a lot of weight working there.

I was in a very dull and meaningless relationship, with a man that I had little feelings for, and he had none for me. I have no idea why we bothered with that for a few years. On reflection, we did not like each other. I liked his family, and I think that they liked me. I think this was the only thing that ever kept us together, and as for bringing us together... well I worked with him over the summer, and I guess it was the thrill of the chase. He text me for several months and I ignored him for most... once again...what was I thinking? I still laugh about this with my friends to this date...who always ask...what were you thinking?

I eventually got back to college and took law, I hated the tutor and I realised that I couldn't be away from family. I wanted a family of my own, and the two would not mix the way I wanted it.

I dropped law.

The ex boyfriend's family were inspiring people, and it was them that changed my cold hearted defensive view on life. I took a teaching course and spent time in a lot of very different schools. I loved it with a passion and I found that this also lit me up inside just as political and legal speeches had. I could use everything I had learned in the class room speaking to six year olds, as I could speaking to masses of educated adults.

I got a wonderful job helping support and care for a gorgeous young lady and her lovely Mum. I was honoured to be a part of their family and they will both remain in my heart forever. I carry the things I learned from them with me everywhere, and now I teach my friends, family and boys the life skills that Nutty taught me.

Then I split up with that ex and I was devastated. Even I couldn't quite work out why. I wasn't sure whether it was the insult of him dumping me, whether it was the fact that I had turned down running away and marrying his best friend, or whether it was because I had just got so used to it. Everyone had different theories, but after a few months of crying, I noticed that no one had suggested that I was upset because of love. Not one person thought that I had loved him or that he had loved me. I proved that he was a lying cheat, like this would win me his family back, people who I had grown to love. It obviously didn't but now I realise that that is ok

I met a rebound boyfriend through a friend. He was great. I just had absolutely no love for him what so ever. I thought he was wonderful, perfect for anyone...just not me. I tried so hard to love him, and I even told him that I did even though I was desperately battling the fact that I felt nothing. That was really unkind of me. I know that. My intentions weren't to hurt him. Far from it. I wanted to love him. I just didn't. I felt nothing.

I started working in a grotty little bar in the town centre. A job which was half of the money that I was on per hour at my other 5 jobs. I do not drink, and have no interest in pubs. But this grotty, dirty little pub was calling out to me like a beacon. I fell in love with the place on quiz night with Vick and Rick. Not weird twins I might add but friends that happen to have rhyming names, he later for the name of Dip stick rick, but that is another story.

I had done a few shifts, I knew the regulars, I got on really well with the other staff, I worked so much that I would go to college, come home for a nap, then back to work, I was often on split shifts and worked ridiculous hours. I had to do split sleeps to survive and was making about £60.00...per week...but something deep inside my soul told me that this is where I had to be, and I believe that something was fate...

A legacy as great as you!

Everyday, I dread a day where I could be parted from my little boys.

I know that this seems like a very morbid thought, but for me it isn't. I always tell them that I love them, I always kiss them good night, and I try to express my love for them so that they will always know how much they mean to me.

I don't know if this is something that all Mum's think of quite as regularly as I do, but I put that down to the fact that my Mum had her first major stroke at just 32 years old, a stroke so damaging that it left her in a coma and still to this day effects her. Ben lost his Mum at a young age and with a combination of the hereditary illnesses, its important for me to know that my Son's will have my memories too, if for whatever reason I am not there or able to ask.

I tried to write Finn a diary, for when he is older, but it has chunks missing where I have been finding things hard and haven't wrote that down for him.

I will always want to protect the boys from anything bad I feel, simply because I am very happy, so whatever else happens, does not matter, not now I have them.

I want them to know that they are a huge part of me, and as long as they live and breathe, they are representing me, so they must always think about me happily and never sadly.

Losing my Gran was an upsetting time, as deaths and funerals are always sad, seeing everyone so upset mainly. But I don't look at her death and ever feel sad, I am just happy that She was ever in my life. It doesn't ache or hurt to think about her, because I don't really feel like I have lost her. She's here with me, She's a part of me. Permanently. I do of course miss her and I wish She could have met Ben and the boys, but I really believe that she is about in spiritual ways.

I need to know that my boys will be a success without me constantly telling them off. But either way, I will always love them. They are my world.

I feel that so many times the boys have saved my life. Whenever I have felt like life is just impossible, I always knew there would come a day when everything would just make sense, and having these children has done that for me. My world is filled with love and money cannot buy that.

I am so lucky to have had the boys in the first place, and I believe that fate has taken me down this path.

I am eternally grateful for the path that I have been so lucky to be put on, and I feel that I have done everything I desperately need to, now that I have my boys in my life. I am content with life.

I love you Finn and Alfie.

<3