My path through fate part (1)

A few years ago...actually several now!!! I turned my back on my passion.

I wanted to be a barrister since I was very small. To many this seemed far fetched and unusual when I was toddling about too shy to speak to people. It was not the justice or the law that I had passion about. It was the way things were worded. It was about the triumph of winning every argument, no matter if I was right or wrong. It was using vocabulary and confidence as a shield and a weapon of destruction.

This runs deep within my veins.

I took drama because I really needed to built my confidence. I enjoyed it but it scared me. I was totally out of my comfort zone. My first assessment approached and I was shaking with fear. I spent my entire piece in floods of tears, luckily it was a sad piece that I had written. Simple but affective. Low and behold, I got a lovely A*...just when I was about to change subject last minute due to nerves.

I loved that feeling, and so I carried on with it. I followed a teacher to a school miles away thinking She was amazing and thinking that she was the route of my only confidence. Seeing her there highlighted the negative parts of her personality that I had overlooked. I was totally deflated. I'd go as far as to say I felt totally cold about the entire course. I asked if I could do English because I wanted to be a barrister. They said no... I was doing quite a lot of subjects and working two jobs with a 3 hour round commute on my hands... but I was devastated.

I got a letter through the post telling me that I had qualified for a course, it was a summer school for people aiming to attend Oxford or Cambridge. I was lit up at the thought of walking about Oxford University.

The fee was little over £100, and I think I had it at the time. But I could not go. I was frightened to leave my Mum behind and my Dad wasn't all too well either at the time, and with a little brother to look out for, this rapidly became out of the question.

My love for my family plagued me when it came to a career in law.

I dropped out of college, took a job in my local chippy (where I read a lot and ate a lot of junk food) which I really liked. I couldn't keep up with my phone bill and board money so my Mum's friend said that there was a job where she worked.

I hated it. It was an office job. I spoke briefly to everyone who rang, passing them onto the relevant person. The highlights of my day were opening masses of post, and sometimes doing the bank run. I got my own desk and a lockable top draw. This is where I kept my toffee crisp collection. It was filled up each morning and was empty by the time my shift had finished. I put on a lot of weight working there.

I was in a very dull and meaningless relationship, with a man that I had little feelings for, and he had none for me. I have no idea why we bothered with that for a few years. On reflection, we did not like each other. I liked his family, and I think that they liked me. I think this was the only thing that ever kept us together, and as for bringing us together... well I worked with him over the summer, and I guess it was the thrill of the chase. He text me for several months and I ignored him for most... once again...what was I thinking? I still laugh about this with my friends to this date...who always ask...what were you thinking?

I eventually got back to college and took law, I hated the tutor and I realised that I couldn't be away from family. I wanted a family of my own, and the two would not mix the way I wanted it.

I dropped law.

The ex boyfriend's family were inspiring people, and it was them that changed my cold hearted defensive view on life. I took a teaching course and spent time in a lot of very different schools. I loved it with a passion and I found that this also lit me up inside just as political and legal speeches had. I could use everything I had learned in the class room speaking to six year olds, as I could speaking to masses of educated adults.

I got a wonderful job helping support and care for a gorgeous young lady and her lovely Mum. I was honoured to be a part of their family and they will both remain in my heart forever. I carry the things I learned from them with me everywhere, and now I teach my friends, family and boys the life skills that Nutty taught me.

Then I split up with that ex and I was devastated. Even I couldn't quite work out why. I wasn't sure whether it was the insult of him dumping me, whether it was the fact that I had turned down running away and marrying his best friend, or whether it was because I had just got so used to it. Everyone had different theories, but after a few months of crying, I noticed that no one had suggested that I was upset because of love. Not one person thought that I had loved him or that he had loved me. I proved that he was a lying cheat, like this would win me his family back, people who I had grown to love. It obviously didn't but now I realise that that is ok

I met a rebound boyfriend through a friend. He was great. I just had absolutely no love for him what so ever. I thought he was wonderful, perfect for anyone...just not me. I tried so hard to love him, and I even told him that I did even though I was desperately battling the fact that I felt nothing. That was really unkind of me. I know that. My intentions weren't to hurt him. Far from it. I wanted to love him. I just didn't. I felt nothing.

I started working in a grotty little bar in the town centre. A job which was half of the money that I was on per hour at my other 5 jobs. I do not drink, and have no interest in pubs. But this grotty, dirty little pub was calling out to me like a beacon. I fell in love with the place on quiz night with Vick and Rick. Not weird twins I might add but friends that happen to have rhyming names, he later for the name of Dip stick rick, but that is another story.

I had done a few shifts, I knew the regulars, I got on really well with the other staff, I worked so much that I would go to college, come home for a nap, then back to work, I was often on split shifts and worked ridiculous hours. I had to do split sleeps to survive and was making about £60.00...per week...but something deep inside my soul told me that this is where I had to be, and I believe that something was fate...