Dizziness, sickness, fainting, headaches and cramps!!!

I felt rough a lot of the time, I went to my GP to explain the Lactose Intolerance was out of control, everything was making me ill and nothing seemed to stop it!

I explained my symptoms to my GP... conclusion... stress...

It started to effect my exams... running out of exams to throw up and passing out in toilets...

Back to the GP... conclusion...stress...

Exams finished, no job to worry about, no college left, got a few odd shifts at Ben's pub to tide me over, home life was pretty stressful but I could manage that, it had become the norm. Ben was really stressful but still that had become quite normal.

It got to the point that the cramps were ridiculous. A lot of people had asked if I could be pregnant. I'd been on a contraceptive tablet, but with all the throwing up...had it worked???

So frightened and worried I spoke to Ben about it. A lot of people had told him that I was definitely pregnant... that is the difference between normal people and pub people, normal people wonder and pub people just decide what they think is a fact.

Ben walked across to the shops and bought 4 clear blue digital pregnancy tests. He seemed really excited about it, and he had told a few of his friends about it, and most of the pub factually thought I was pregnant.

So I did it...I peed on the stick...

NEGATIVE.

I came out of the bathroom, and told Ben. He hugged me and said that it was good news as I have uni and that I must get back to the doctors yet again, my blood pressure kept dropping.

Ben disappeared talking, and then I found him on his own, he had tears in his eyes and he hugged me again. It seemed to have hit him quite hard that I was not pregnant. Which shocked him as much as it did me! We had already decided that we were going to get married and travel the world together. We had no idea that not having a baby right then would actually upset us... But maybe we knew somewhere in our hearts, that the test was wrong, and we were about to deal with one of the biggest changes in fate that we couldn't really have ever predicted... back to the drawing board!

Over the next few weeks the symptoms just got worse and worse!!! I did 15 pregnancy tests... all NEGATIVE!!!

My Mum said that She could just sense that I was pregnant, but I explained that I had done pregnancy test after pregnancy test of EVERY brand! We had spent a small fortune on these things! My period due date had come and gone, and still no sign of finding out what this undiagnosable condition was.

Then one day I was helping out at Ben's pub, and his friend came in.

John.

John is a very unusual person, he has a kind of glow that is hard to explain, he carries some sort of peaceful yet powerful force, softly spoken and intuitive. Very intuitive. When you talk to him you could be anywhere in the world and not notice. He is a powerful man with a lot of soul and spirit.

He told me to lift my t-shirt up slightly... odd request but I'd had worse from customers... so I did. He said "You are pregnant", I explained about feeling ill all the time and Mum telling me She thought I might be pregnant and the 15 negative tests. He listened intently, then repeated himself. "You ARE pregnant."

I went back to my doctor...I saw the top GP at the surgery, he had been the main GP there for over 20 years. If he didn't know then who else was there to ask...?

He asked if I had done a pregnancy test and explained that the pill I had been taking would not work due to the sickness being everyday, and that because it hasn't been in my system, I wouldn't have an estimate for a period due date. He told me to go away and come back if the test was negative.

That week I went to visit Ben at work.

I did this every week. I'd get two trains and take a walk through Castleford, to spend an hour or so with Ben then I'd be in a boring hotel room for hours until he got back. I took some food with me that Mum had made. I tried to eat it on the train to Leeds, but my stomach would not stop turning! I felt so ill. It felt like when I had, had stomach ulcers. So I thought I better get back to the Doctors!!!

I remembered that he had told me to do another pregnancy test before I came back, so I thought I better had. I picked one up on the walk to meet Ben. I only spent 99p on it, I had no faith in it being the answers to what was wrong. So much so, that I didn't even mention it to Ben!

When I got there, we had loads to talk about, and I forgot to mention it to him! He went to work and I was chatting to him out of the window before he went... then I ended up bursting for a wee. So I ran to the toilet, which was next door to our room, then ran back to grab the test, I didn't see any point in waiting until morning to do it. I peed into Ben's coffee cup and dipped the stick in.

Straight away there were two really dark purple lines... I reread the packet 3 or 4 times... then checked the test again...then reread some more...

I placed the test on some tissue in our room on the table. I text Ben because I had no credit, telling him to RING me A.S.A.P!!!

He didn't!!!

I text him again telling him it was REALLY URGENT.

So he rang, and I said...I'm Pregnant.

He said, ~"ok Babe, I will ring you when I get to work"

WHAT??????

Out of all of the things you want to hear when you tell someone that... Ok is NOT what you want to hear!!! EVER!!!!!

Then he text me "Woohoo. Good news, I love you, will ring you in a min".

And so just a few months after meeting the love of my life, I was expecting to meet someone else very soon, who I would also fall madly in love with. Unconditionally.

Getting my first tattoo!!!

I have designed thousands of tattoos while day dreaming my way through school. Yet when it came to this, I just did not have the time to perfect something that was staying on my body...forever.

I decided to get a small tattoo on my stomach just above my hip. I wanted something to represent my confidence in Ben and I, and him being my soul mate.

Ben already had loads of tattoos, 30+, so it wasn't much of a big deal to him. I decided to go to the same guy for mine as Bne had done for most of his.

I went to Voodoo tattoos in Warrington. Lee did the tattoo for me. It scratched a little but he was really gently, I'd say it tickled more that it hurt.

An hour later it was done and dusted. No problem.

One day, I'll go back to that place, hopefully not to cover it up!

life changing few weeks with my lovable rougue!

I knew that I loved Ben after that very first date. He made my blood boil and my tummy do somersaults!

Spending time with Ben has always been an emotional roller coaster!!!

The two weeks we had together before he went back to work were lovely. We had a lot of arguments... I always felt like they weren't my fault... but some how he felt the same, only worse than normal arguments with people. Usually I am good at that stuff, but I'd really met my match! He wore me out with his constant, well contests!!!

We woke up one morning, and I got up first. I started to get ready as I had college and lesson started... 10 minutes ago...

Ben rolled over and asked "What's the weather like?"... I said "Urm, I dunno...ok...ish", Ben seemed really upset with this, and said that I hadn't provided a real answer..! So I said, "oh, well its sunny with patches of cloud and a brisk easterly wind"... but this caused one of the riot arguments. I thought I was funny...I was wrong!

There were many of these arguments and many moments that melted my heart. Hearing him talking about me was the best thing. He was really proud of me. That felt really nice. Nicer than the crap people say to your face. Its the crap they say behind your back that affects you more.

Then it came around...the day that I had to kiss Ben goodbye. The click from both pubs seemed to have several bets on it not lasting. I felt like everyone was humouring us.

I stood on the platform at the train station, and we said Goodbye...

I had my final exams at college approaching, my birthday, my tattoo appointment, Ben losing me my job, living together for a few weeks while Ben was home and getting quite ill......

NOW ON TWITTER!!!

http://twitter.com/#!/Dysfunctional_D

Dysfunctional_D

Cutting ties to my misery and opening all doors to the future... and then he left me (3)

I knew that I was in love, but now I had a few lose ends to sort out. I was still supposed to be seeing some guy from across town, the snobby side. I hadn't seen him for a while, which should probably have been warning enough, but I had to split up with him, without breaking his heart and without making me look like the bitch I was. But to be fair it's not like it was because of a fling or anything, I'd met my soul mate.


I met up with him one night after college, I thought if I scared him enough he'd freak out due to lack of maturity, and we'd go our separate ways, in a really civil way. Me guilt free...

It didn't quite happen like that to be honest, my elaborate story worked, I told him that I wanted a baby, now and I was just going to have one. Alone. This was just to confuse and scare the poor guy, but it worked, and it kinda played out that way... careful what you wish for eh...?

Nothing had yet happened with Ben, so I was desperate to see him so that I could cuddle him. Like it was our victory. Like I had been waiting to do so my entire life.

In college I had told Sarah Rodger's that I was in love. She found this hilarious and no one really believed me, I'm not sure why, maybe it was the 6 month relationship I'd just had with the guy that I barely noticed and constantly complained about not being in love with...

I spent a lot of quality time with Ben before I got chance to break up with the unloved ex face to face. We spent hours talking about everything.

Ben invited me to his pub, it was a biker pub, consisting of locals, lots of them, that all know everything about each other. Like the pubs you see in soaps...only a really twisted late night version? a dirty grotty smell version...

I walked in, with Kath Yates. It was like having two heads. Ben had already told everyone about me, but I didn't know that. It was very scary. We sat at the bar. I'd been so ill with my lactose intolerance for a few weeks, so I told him I didn't want to go out anywhere for food because I have been throwing up a lot and can't have much. I was pretty much living off crisps. I didn't bring them up and I was so hungry by this point! He told me he had got me something. I was offended because of the sexism... but then he just handed me an Asda bag, when it wasn't flowers, I realised that I had sexist views... I blame society... Anyway, I opened the bag and in it was every packet of crisps that he could find. There were all sorts in there. He said I know you are allergic to flowers, but I will find you some one day that won't make you sneeze. Oh and I got extra packets of your favorite...

He told me that he was home for just two weeks, then he would be going back working away, saving enough money to join his best friend Ben Wilkinson a.k.a Junior in Thai Land again, ready for a trip around the world... He told me that he had just 14 days to make me fall in love with him. But I already had...

We had some wonderful times together, always sober. Then one night he joined our quiz night. Vikki Prigmore was there and Rick, who later got the name Dip stick Rick. Ben gave him that name. Ben drank that night, and I drank too. Ben drank a lot. I was really shocked at how much he drank. I assumed it was because of the night out, but I was later to find out that this was going to be an ongoing issue.


That night ended in tears. I saw a darker side to Ben. One that was desperately unhappy and frantically unsettled. But once again he found a way to melt my heart.

We had a few big arguments before he left, always filled with drama and comedy. Always equally balanced. Yin and Yang.

I bought him a tiny teddy to take with him saying 'I miss you', so he bought me a gift too. He left it on the bar for me. I opened it after serving a customer, but Ben was gone. It was a white gold diamond necklace. It was stunning.


The next day I booked my tattoo, and after knowing him for just 2 weeks, I had his name tattooed onto my hip. I don't regret it...



I didn't know how I would ever cope, I'd have to say good bye...

My path through fate part (2), You saved my life and made me want to die, I love you.

One day, I was filling in for a friend while I was off college. I was on a day shift, serving food and drinks at the grotty pub I worked at.

I wouldn't look forward to drinking in the place...I wouldn't have dreampt of eating in there! But Marg was a brilliant cook, a real Mumsy cook, and Gordon Ramsay would have taken tips from her.
A few of the regulars were sat in the 'bus stop', a part of the pub on a raised level that only seated two tables and was quite private, it looked a lot like a bus stop, hense the name... I think.

Another guy joined them, who I hadn't seen before. He was stunning. I had chocolate coloured hair and turquise eyes. I had never seen eyes that colour before. I had seen oceans, reefs, cocktails that colour, but never anybodies eyes. He had stubble and could clearly grow a beard. He was about 35 ish and covered in tattoos. Looking at him made my eyes water, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and my chest tighten slightly... I wondered if it was a possible heart attack for a moment, but it wasn't and then I felt quite stupid. Not many attractive people went in that pub to be honest, so I told myself that I could be getting that prison mentality thing, and also could picture him at home with his sexy blonde wife, a few kids and a labrador. It made my heart sink. I was very angry at this man for cheating on me, in my imagination. Then BOOM, he wanted change for the bandit. Pulled myself together really quickly and tried some flirting. He had just won on the bandit so I told him that it pays out twice because there is a fault on it, it pays half of the ammount on the second win as it did on the first but its everytime. He looked directly into my eyes and thanked me for the information, then ignored my advice, like a prick might do. I hated him a bit and I hated that I thought he was so pretty.

A few days later the same group came into the pub again. I was in a world of my own, I had the ex texting me angriliy, like he had the right to, and I had the current one who I wanted to love but just couldn't texting me because he hadn't seen me in...a couple of weeks! I had come to the conclusion that I had had it with people, family freinds and boyfriends. I was going to uni and none of you lot were stopping me!

Then after ordering a massive order, the same guy, you know the beautiful bastard who I had fell in love with momentairly a few days ago was asking me for my number. He said he doesn't do it very often and would really apprichate it if I didn't make a fool of him, in the middle of the pub, infront of his friends, adding that there was no pressure. He told me his name was Ben, which I didn't quite believe. I didn't know how a bulky tattooed rugged looking bloke could have a sweet childs name, such as Ben. Little did I know how much it suited him, as there is always the parralel of extremes when it comes to Ben, he is Yin and Yang all by himself. He asked if he could take me out to the cinema or for a meal sometime... I was still a bit annoyed at him and at people, so I said No. I tried to walk away and he asked why not? I said I was kinda seeing someone. So he said "Don't bring him, that would be really awkward" I thought that this was really funny, and it melted my heart a lot.

I had every intention of giving him my number but made him wait, I had a few things to do and Marg moaned if any glasses were left out, She was really good at running that bar, when she wasnt frightening everyone she met!

I walked over to the back of the pub near to wear him and his group were sitting, they were loud and drunk and intimidating, well they were after one of them had just asked me out, I felt like they were all looking at me. I put one glass into another to stack them and smashed the lot! I started picking the glass up quickly knowing that everyone had seen.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder suddenly pushing me to the ground. It was Ben. I was absolutely livid. Men often thought that they could just grab at you when you were behind the bar, I had had several marriage proposals, from Men that couldn't distinguish the difference between me and Kath who also worked behind the bar. In fact it was Kath talking about work, and visiting Kath at work that got me the job in the first place. Thanks for that Yatesy <3


I stood up and was about to launch into a marxist feminist speech explaining that he has absolutely no right to enter my person space and that he has crossed a boundary, when he said softly (for 'could whisper across 3 fields' Ben) you didn't see that big piece of glass, you were about to kneel on it, I didn't want you to get hurt. Sorry.

Once again my anger had turned to some powerful 'I have been winded warmth'.

I had a really busy weekend that weekend, I was on split shifts, and there was a few bands on, so staff were split between 2 floors. I was also working at the nightclub around t he corner, same landlord as the pub just different supervisor. The supervisor and his part in my fate are another story all of their own!

I finished my shift early on the Saturday, my Mum and Dad had been out and were passing so I decided to wait and get a lift back home with them. Kath told me to text Ben, I thought about it and explained that I needed some me time. She didn't buy it at all and told me to just text him. So I did. He text me straight back, telling me he was baby sitting his Godson and catcing up on his ironing. This made me angry again!!!

When I split up with my ex, every blokes chat up line seemed to be about them having kids already, and because I work with kids, letting me have time with thiers would get me into bed? If you work on the fish counter... would a bloke letting you feel a cod make you drop your knickers? Or if you were a doctor, would a bloke showing you the boil between his toes make you warm for his form? Enough said.

Ben later asked if he could meet up with me sometime. I was in town on the Monday, but I had swapped my shift, so we decided to meet in the pub. He told me that he was meeting his brother for a coffee then walking up to see me.

The staff in the pub quickly become like family. You see a lot and end up having to stick together. There's sometimes only you, and often brawls to break up, clean up and patch up.

Marg and Hanna were there and Ben was talking to them. He looked beautiful. He looked smart but casual like a Debenham's maniquin! He asked me if I would like a drink. I said I would get them. He was taken back, and this once again offended me. Most of the 'date' offended me but the rest melted my heart and that has never changed, its extremities do, but the basic formula has stayed the same.

Ben was talking to Hanna about school. He was explaining about living in several countries and going to school in Germany. I loved this. I loved that he had worked all over, and he was explaining about being a ski instructor when he was younger. I fell in love with everything he was saying. I loved his open mind. I loved hearing about his experiences.
 
We talked for a few hours, sat in the corner. Over those hours I fell in love with him. I left my English coursework on the table, and he picked it up, he asked me how long I had been doing maths for. It was written in phonetics but still, I thought it was really cute. Ben told me many lies on that date, he told me he read books, and in everything else he said he elaborated, but that was beautifully done too. I knew, sitting there with him, that he would be the father of my children, and I thought that we would grow old together. So far so good...

The next few weeks were about to be life changing...

My path through fate part (1)

A few years ago...actually several now!!! I turned my back on my passion.

I wanted to be a barrister since I was very small. To many this seemed far fetched and unusual when I was toddling about too shy to speak to people. It was not the justice or the law that I had passion about. It was the way things were worded. It was about the triumph of winning every argument, no matter if I was right or wrong. It was using vocabulary and confidence as a shield and a weapon of destruction.

This runs deep within my veins.

I took drama because I really needed to built my confidence. I enjoyed it but it scared me. I was totally out of my comfort zone. My first assessment approached and I was shaking with fear. I spent my entire piece in floods of tears, luckily it was a sad piece that I had written. Simple but affective. Low and behold, I got a lovely A*...just when I was about to change subject last minute due to nerves.

I loved that feeling, and so I carried on with it. I followed a teacher to a school miles away thinking She was amazing and thinking that she was the route of my only confidence. Seeing her there highlighted the negative parts of her personality that I had overlooked. I was totally deflated. I'd go as far as to say I felt totally cold about the entire course. I asked if I could do English because I wanted to be a barrister. They said no... I was doing quite a lot of subjects and working two jobs with a 3 hour round commute on my hands... but I was devastated.

I got a letter through the post telling me that I had qualified for a course, it was a summer school for people aiming to attend Oxford or Cambridge. I was lit up at the thought of walking about Oxford University.

The fee was little over £100, and I think I had it at the time. But I could not go. I was frightened to leave my Mum behind and my Dad wasn't all too well either at the time, and with a little brother to look out for, this rapidly became out of the question.

My love for my family plagued me when it came to a career in law.

I dropped out of college, took a job in my local chippy (where I read a lot and ate a lot of junk food) which I really liked. I couldn't keep up with my phone bill and board money so my Mum's friend said that there was a job where she worked.

I hated it. It was an office job. I spoke briefly to everyone who rang, passing them onto the relevant person. The highlights of my day were opening masses of post, and sometimes doing the bank run. I got my own desk and a lockable top draw. This is where I kept my toffee crisp collection. It was filled up each morning and was empty by the time my shift had finished. I put on a lot of weight working there.

I was in a very dull and meaningless relationship, with a man that I had little feelings for, and he had none for me. I have no idea why we bothered with that for a few years. On reflection, we did not like each other. I liked his family, and I think that they liked me. I think this was the only thing that ever kept us together, and as for bringing us together... well I worked with him over the summer, and I guess it was the thrill of the chase. He text me for several months and I ignored him for most... once again...what was I thinking? I still laugh about this with my friends to this date...who always ask...what were you thinking?

I eventually got back to college and took law, I hated the tutor and I realised that I couldn't be away from family. I wanted a family of my own, and the two would not mix the way I wanted it.

I dropped law.

The ex boyfriend's family were inspiring people, and it was them that changed my cold hearted defensive view on life. I took a teaching course and spent time in a lot of very different schools. I loved it with a passion and I found that this also lit me up inside just as political and legal speeches had. I could use everything I had learned in the class room speaking to six year olds, as I could speaking to masses of educated adults.

I got a wonderful job helping support and care for a gorgeous young lady and her lovely Mum. I was honoured to be a part of their family and they will both remain in my heart forever. I carry the things I learned from them with me everywhere, and now I teach my friends, family and boys the life skills that Nutty taught me.

Then I split up with that ex and I was devastated. Even I couldn't quite work out why. I wasn't sure whether it was the insult of him dumping me, whether it was the fact that I had turned down running away and marrying his best friend, or whether it was because I had just got so used to it. Everyone had different theories, but after a few months of crying, I noticed that no one had suggested that I was upset because of love. Not one person thought that I had loved him or that he had loved me. I proved that he was a lying cheat, like this would win me his family back, people who I had grown to love. It obviously didn't but now I realise that that is ok

I met a rebound boyfriend through a friend. He was great. I just had absolutely no love for him what so ever. I thought he was wonderful, perfect for anyone...just not me. I tried so hard to love him, and I even told him that I did even though I was desperately battling the fact that I felt nothing. That was really unkind of me. I know that. My intentions weren't to hurt him. Far from it. I wanted to love him. I just didn't. I felt nothing.

I started working in a grotty little bar in the town centre. A job which was half of the money that I was on per hour at my other 5 jobs. I do not drink, and have no interest in pubs. But this grotty, dirty little pub was calling out to me like a beacon. I fell in love with the place on quiz night with Vick and Rick. Not weird twins I might add but friends that happen to have rhyming names, he later for the name of Dip stick rick, but that is another story.

I had done a few shifts, I knew the regulars, I got on really well with the other staff, I worked so much that I would go to college, come home for a nap, then back to work, I was often on split shifts and worked ridiculous hours. I had to do split sleeps to survive and was making about £60.00...per week...but something deep inside my soul told me that this is where I had to be, and I believe that something was fate...

A legacy as great as you!

Everyday, I dread a day where I could be parted from my little boys.

I know that this seems like a very morbid thought, but for me it isn't. I always tell them that I love them, I always kiss them good night, and I try to express my love for them so that they will always know how much they mean to me.

I don't know if this is something that all Mum's think of quite as regularly as I do, but I put that down to the fact that my Mum had her first major stroke at just 32 years old, a stroke so damaging that it left her in a coma and still to this day effects her. Ben lost his Mum at a young age and with a combination of the hereditary illnesses, its important for me to know that my Son's will have my memories too, if for whatever reason I am not there or able to ask.

I tried to write Finn a diary, for when he is older, but it has chunks missing where I have been finding things hard and haven't wrote that down for him.

I will always want to protect the boys from anything bad I feel, simply because I am very happy, so whatever else happens, does not matter, not now I have them.

I want them to know that they are a huge part of me, and as long as they live and breathe, they are representing me, so they must always think about me happily and never sadly.

Losing my Gran was an upsetting time, as deaths and funerals are always sad, seeing everyone so upset mainly. But I don't look at her death and ever feel sad, I am just happy that She was ever in my life. It doesn't ache or hurt to think about her, because I don't really feel like I have lost her. She's here with me, She's a part of me. Permanently. I do of course miss her and I wish She could have met Ben and the boys, but I really believe that she is about in spiritual ways.

I need to know that my boys will be a success without me constantly telling them off. But either way, I will always love them. They are my world.

I feel that so many times the boys have saved my life. Whenever I have felt like life is just impossible, I always knew there would come a day when everything would just make sense, and having these children has done that for me. My world is filled with love and money cannot buy that.

I am so lucky to have had the boys in the first place, and I believe that fate has taken me down this path.

I am eternally grateful for the path that I have been so lucky to be put on, and I feel that I have done everything I desperately need to, now that I have my boys in my life. I am content with life.

I love you Finn and Alfie.

<3